I have to blog about this, because it’s gnawing at me. Something’s been trying to make itself known to me in my brain, and for some reason I couldn’t properly articulate until just a few seconds ago, but to put it in a literary or pop culture perspective, its the voice/s of my own personal Jekyll and Hyde story.
People are always a bit amused or disbelieving when I tell them that I’m generally a very private, homebody type of person. I love curling up and reading, writing, playing on the internet, thinking, creating in my head, all in my home, usually solely in my room. Do I go out? Yeah, quite a lot actually. I like coffeehouses, clubs, concerts, and hanging out with friends. (wow, that sounded like a line from a personals ad) Anyway, the point is, if I don’t also get my solitude along with all that, I go nuts. Little tension knots start creeping their way into my trapezius muscles, my neck starts to bunch up, oftentimes headaches threaten and materialize, and finally I get angry or panicked. I just must have time to myself. Sometimes more often than others. It depends on many variables, like so many things in life.
So what’s been crawling around in my head is this idea of being a rather high profile person, who likes to keep a low profile.
Now, what do I mean by high profile? Well, in my case, I can point to the fact that I have a Wikipedia entry, dozens of videos of me on youtube(taken by others mind you), an IMDB page, about 3,500 people on my facebook, and am ridiculously goggleable. Apart from that, I would estimate I’ve signed somewhere in the number of 40-70,000 autographs in my time on the con circuit. I’ve met lots of people, who know more about me than I do them. That’s what I mean by high profile. Also, people recognize me from theatrical productions I’ve been in. To top all of this off, I’m not Artistic Director of a soon-to-be-announcing itself to the world theatre company in the fourth-largest city in the US. Not exactly a low-profile gig.
Ask me where I’m going with all this, and I’ll tell you I don’t have much of an idea, except for I feel it’s my own brain trying to parse out or break-down what it is that allows me to act as these two different people, and to ask if these two different people are really different at all. Logic tells us, of course, no, we are all just multifaceted individuals, capable of bending in the wind and changing colors when and if the occasion calls for such behavior. But sometimes it truly does feel that there are two of me. One acts as a public figure, one acts as a privately operating man. Neither are liars about themselves or whom the other is, but both are sometimes unwilling to accept each others identity as two separate individuals. Which is correct, for we’re not. In fact, there is no we, only I. I who am two, or more. I who lead more than one life. Or… I who lead a busy life, and must wear different hats. I have a feeling some people are more skilled at this feat than others. As for me, I’m good at pulling it off, but only to an extent. There is always a breaking point for my public persona, when the private person inside of me starts shouting to be holed up in some small, elegant room somewhere, reading a book or figuring out my next creative endeavor… which will, in turn, require me to be public again.