I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Maybe because I’m finally with the person I intend to spend my life with. Maybe because I turned 40 today. Maybe because I think it will be therapeutic… But I think the main reason is that I’m curious as to what my mind really has to say about a lot of these people whom I wish to address. This certainly isn’t an original idea. I know Alanis Morissette, for one, did it in a song on her second album, I believe. And, well, Chris Patton is going to do it in his blog. Perhaps I’ll just view it as a creative writing exercise. The names, of course, have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

Oh, another thing, this is not really a kid-friendly kinda post. It won’t be excessively graphic, but I won’t be holding much back, either. You’ve been warned.

So, here, in whatever order they come to my mind, are my mini-essays to lovers from my past.

  • Kirstana – You were my first girlfriend. You were 15, I think, and I was 16. We were at a smoky new wave party, and I think I may have had on more make up than you. You were dressed like Siouxsie Sioux, and I had tall white-blond hair. We made out for like three hours on a couch, and then I think we dated for about three weeks. We stayed friends, and makeout buddies, for quite a while. One of the funniest memories I have from high school is coming over to your house and making out with you and then eating chili-cheese Fritos with ice cream…. perhaps you got me pregnant and I never knew.
  • Satana Lascivia- I may never fully forgive you all the wrong you did me. You took my virginity, which yeah, as a seventeen-year-old dude I was more than willing to give up, you played me, you manipulated me, you lied, you probably cheated (but who knows?), and honestly, you made me hate women for a while. I don’t know why I was so easily manipulated and brainwashed by you, but I guess I can thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson about being wary.
  • Jam-0-Nator- You were probably the first girl I actually loved. I remember being a dumb 16-year old when you taught me the beauty of the female body, and the pleasures it held. You were pretty much the reason I decided I was bisexual, and not gay. Later on, you would also teach me how cold and brutal a woman could be. You broke my heart in a million pieces and took a giant crap on the wreckage. Still, I love you, and will always be your friend. I’m proud of what you’ve made of yourself, but I still worry about you a lot.
  • Nicholas Rhodes- You were the first boy I ever kissed. It was weird. I didn’t really like it all that much at first, but I definitely liked you. Then you bit my neck at that INXS concert, and we broke up. Ah, well. Youth.
  • Lilly von White Pants- The sex was great. Our relationship was stupid. I’m glad we’re still at least passing acquaintances though. You’re an acquired taste, but you’re cool.
  • Mariana Patrona- It took forever for us to finally hook up, but when we did… wow. Rockets in the bedroom, and fists flying in the living room. Your fists, I should say, flying into my face, my arms, my sides. I was no prize, either. I was lazy, lost, confused, and I didn’t take the proverbial bull by the horns. Whatever. Water under the bridge and all that. You’ve actually turned out to be a pretty cool person, from what I can tell. I hated you for a long time. I’ve let go of all that.
  • D-Man- You were the first actual boyfriend I ever had, weird as our relationship was. You were so so so into me, and then when I got way into you, your interest seemed to wane rather swiftly. Shit happens, right? We had fun. We were good buds, decent lovers, and supported each other during some weird times. RENT often makes me think of you.
  • D the 1st- While we never dated, you were the first boy I ever did anything more with than just kiss. It was awesome. But looking back on it, I’d say that was more our very close friendship expressing itself hormonally. You’re still my best friend to this day, next to RAD.

Yes, there have been others. Many others, if you count one-night stands and friends with benefits and such. But these are the ones I wanted, needed to touch on. Maybe somebody who’s had a lot of rough relationships will read this, and realize that the kinda shit they’re going through isn’t so uncommon. Relationships, especially those of the romantic variety, are quite complex, and the waters are often rough. In the end, you have to look out for yourself, and your lover, in equal measure. Once you can do that, you’re off to a decent start, and if you find someone who does that same thing for you, you just may have found someone worth sticking with.

I know I have.

Happy Birthday To Me!