It all began with a migraine. Ya know those cloying, creeping kind that are borne of caffeine withdrawal? They start from the back of your head, right where your addict’s neck meet’s your fool’s head, and start to creep over the top, cresting in mild pain and the sense that nausea might not be too far down the road? Luckily, my migraines are very much of a mild variety, and I feel them setting in soon enough to get a hold of them and nip them in the proverbial bud before they can wreak too much misery upon my senses. And so it was last night. I took a combination caffeine/ pain pill, put some Reiki music on on Spotify, and lay in the dark.
Here’s where shit got fun, though.
As my pain started to slowly subside, I started doing a brain drain, a mind-defrag, a bit of a purge of toxins from my thinking space. I do this every so often, especially when I have a room to myself. This time was a bit different, however, mainly because of the palpable nature of the visions I started having.
First, there was what I’ve come to think of as a “great severing” or “great banishing”. All this nastiness from my past, everything I’d ever regretted, felt ashamed of, felt stupid about, been afraid of, etc. would pop up, and then a voice would say “it’s gone”. As in “I fucked up that audition horribly that one time”… “yeah? well that’s gone.” And it would disappear, poof. And one by one, I’d cut and cut and cut away at shit from my past, leaving a cleaner slate in front of me.
Then, further, I began to cut away at sugary-sweet nostalgia. I began to think of all the memories of my past that I used as a crutch, as small mental dope fixes, former glories, highs, and “achievements” I’d pat myself on the back with when I was feeling pathetic, instead of willful. I made up my mind that I’d keep everything lovely from the past on reserve, for reference or in times of dire need, but that otherwise, the past was gone and good riddance. The beautiful parts of my past, just as the horrific ones, had to be purged and forgotten for me to have a truly clean slate ahead of me. How could I move forward willfully and effectively if I always either fretted over or reveled in the past?
When the Great Severing was finished, I then just began to let my mind wander and start doing its thing. I allowed my mind to start conjuring whatever visions it would, and I would “sit back and watch the show”, as it were, without judgement or hyper-analysis.
Once I gave my mind this permission, all sorts of facial patterns began to appear before me, projecting themselves on the screens of my eyelids as they lay closed for the receiving of the healing and calm I’d achieve from my respite. The faces ranged from demonic, to hyper-artistic, to cliche’s of what “this face” or “that face” should look like, to just very plain, ordinary faces. They would morph, one face into another, into another, in fairly smooth, but rapid sequence.
From there, the visions started to disassemble a bit, to come apart like molecules experiencing degeneration.
But along with all this came about 95% relief from the migraine, and a much clearer head about how to move forward with my life.
Yeah, I should mediate more often.